Walk of Frustration and Angels
Today, I’m embracing my vulnerability to share a recent journey. I pray a part of my story will challenge you to be honest with yourself, and more importantly, honest with God.
One lesson I learned is this. When we are achieving things for the Kingdom of God, we will be tempted by the enemy in the areas we are pursuing God’s will.
Over a two-month period I spent six weeks in Minneapolis for the birth of two grand-babies. Our growing family brought more joy than sitting at my computer, nevertheless, I needed to get back to writing. Let’s just say, blogging was on my mind, but my hands weren’t on my keyboard. My arms were too busy embracing Elijah and Margaux and having movie nights with Rose Marie.
It was time to return home and get back to writing. I couldn’t wait for the inspiration to begin. My first day back I looked through drafts and my mind was as blank as the screen before me. I had nothing.
It didn’t take long before I started pressuring myself and panic set in. I prayed, worshipped, read my Bible, telling myself God’s got this. Sadly, I didn’t want to admit that, “no, I had this.”.
I sent off a quick email to my daughter-in-law, Jessica, expressing the difficulties I was having; concerned that I wouldn’t get posts in the queue for her to work with. In her gentle, supportive way, she recommended that I step away from my computer to find inspiration. “Be sure to have some grace for yourself. You will find normalcy again, just be patient!”
It was the middle of the afternoon and the temperature was registering 95 degrees. I decided to go for a walk. I grabbed a bottle of water, my phone, and began listening to a podcast sermon. “Let the inspiration begin!”
At the beginning of my walk I didn’t hesitate to vent to God about my frustration and discouragement. I guess you could call this my, “Walk of Frustration.” I began by stating to God if I’m to maintain this blog, I need to get things moving. Did you catch, “I need to?” In that moment, “I” did not.
I was stuck on one point. I kept repeating to God, “one post, every six or seven days is too much.” “It’s overwhelming,” I said in desperation.
I continued asking God (more like telling) for spiritual revelation and out of the same breath overwhelmed at the size of the task to fulfill his will through this blog.
I continued my walk, listening to my podcast, venting, and praying. Suddenly, the Lord began to flood my mind and spirit. God’s response hit me square in the face.
“Seriously, [yes, that’s the word I heard in my spirit] one post a week, 52 a year, is too much for you?”
God hit me at the core of my being, again.
“One post a week is too much? Am I not infinite?”
I had to repent for my lack of faith and for allowing discouragement to hover over me like a dark cloud.
God didn’t stop there.
“You’ve been saying, ‘you only have 52 subscribers.’ That’s one person for every week of the year. It’s not just about one, it’s about 52, 52 times a year. You’re focusing on what you see.”
It’s not uncommon for God to speak to me through numbers and hearing 52 and 52 opened my eyes to how I was measuring success of this blog to the world’s standards. I know this truth. I’ve repeated these same words to my children many times. Sadly, I wasn’t accepting it.
To be candid, I’ve had moments when I hear new bloggers get thousands of subscribers within weeks. Travel and fashion blogs seem to be high on the list. I surely enjoy them.
I’ve gone so far as to question why sinners get results at a greater speed than believers and then God reminds me of Psalm 37:7, “Don’t worry about evil people who prosper," and don't fret.” I was fretting, but it didn’t matter. I continued whining.
Sadly, I began to compare my spiritual calling not only to Christians, but unbelievers. Success in God’s eyes cannot be compared to anything or anyone else. Everything he does through each of us is unique and for a specific purpose. I didn’t want to admit I was jealous, but to compare what I’m doing to others, what else can it be?
On the spot, I repented. When I said my last words of “thank you for your patience, God,” instantaneously, he reminded me of one particular morning in his presence.
Several months back I was soaking in the pleasure of God’s presence when he opened the heavens. I had a visitation from three angels. Read Are Angels Real to understand this realm of God’s creation and ministering spirits.
Three angels were sitting on my desk. The first was on the front, left corner and in my spirit, I knew “it” was Peace. On the front, right corner was Calm, and on my right, Joy.
At the time, the order seemed significant and I wrote their names down in my journal: Peace, Calm, Joy. I continued my Walk of Frustration.
When God reminded me of this, I stopped on the sidewalk and began using my voice recorder to capture what God was speaking into my spirit. The amazing thing is when I started speaking, the words of God began to pour out with great speed and clarity.
God began to explain the purpose of the order of these ministering spirits. He said,
“Peace is who I am and peace is what I give you when you trust me."
In John 14:27 Jesus said, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
Peace is something I must pursue. “I Peter 3:11 states, “seek peace and pursue it.”
I continued speaking the things that were flooding my mind. I ran track in high school and was a sprinter. When I stepped into my lane, I would begin to go through a checklist how to position my body.
It was about relaxing and focusing on the technique. If my focus was on the mechanics, I more than likely would run at my best. To get into this type of mindset, I had to position my head, chin, arms, hips, legs, etc. I had to remain calm.
"Peace and Joy are two of the nine fruits of the spirit, (Galatians 5:22-23) whereas calm is not." “Calm is different. Calm is a result of receiving my gift of peace and it's where your ears are tuned in to hear me. Calm is to be at rest, not anxious.”
"But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me." Psalm 131:2
“Joy is a result of remaining calm by walking in my Peace.”
By time I finished recording this part of the conversation and what the Holy Spirit was pouring into my spirit, the joy of writing this blog returned. It’s embarrassing to say that God had to remind me to have faith.
“Your faith in me will push you to do more for me (God).”
Ultimately, if I was doing something that was easy I wouldn’t need to rely on God to do something that feels impossible.
Friends, if you’re wondering if this long conversation took place with God, the answer is yes.
The day this frustration hit me was the day God’s Will and Promise Dream hit the blog. Jessica told me to go back and read it and what was in that post is how the enemy had tempted me on this day.
Another key takeaway was how God helped me find a new way to be inspired in the midst of complaining. Speaking into my recorder was when the spirit of God began to flood my soul. It was an entirely new way God prompted me to listen and flow in the spirit.
If you’ve been discouraged or anxious, give yourself grace and push everything and everyone aside to talk to God and listen and obey. Expect to commune with your heavenly father and with great substance. This temptation came after a short period of time where my time was reduced to five, ten, 15 minutes a day. I will expand on this in the next post titled, "Vacation and God."
This post is a bit long, but take time to breath in the Word of God. God’s reassurance to follow His will is found in Colossians 1:9-14.
“We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.”
God's love and care spoke to me from Psalm 34:4-12.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need. Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the Lord. Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous?